The short answer: to forgive someone is to release them from the debt they owe you and hand justice to God. It is not saying the wrong did not matter, and it does not always mean trusting them again. Christians forgive because God forgave them in Christ (Ephesians 4:32). Start by being honest about the hurt, bring it to God, choose to release the debt, pray for the person, and keep choosing to forgive when the pain returns.
Why Forgive?
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
That is Ephesians 4:32, ESV. Forgiveness flows from the gospel. We have been forgiven a debt we could never pay, so we extend forgiveness to others. Paul says it again: "As the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive" (Colossians 3:13, ESV).
Jesus taught it in the prayer He gave us: "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12, ESV). And He modelled it on the cross: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34, ESV).
What Forgiveness Is Not
- It is not pretending. You can name what happened honestly. Forgiveness only makes sense when there is something real to forgive.
- It is not excusing. Forgiving says, "This was wrong, and I release you from what you owe me."
- It is not forgetting. You may always remember. Forgiveness changes what you do with the memory.
- It is not the same as trust. Forgiveness can be given at once. Trust is rebuilt over time, if it is rebuilt at all.
- It is not staying in harm. If someone is hurting you, you can forgive and still keep yourself safe, set boundaries, and get help. If a crime has been committed, it is right to report it.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Forgiveness is something you can do on your own, before God. Reconciliation, a restored relationship, takes two people. "If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all" (Romans 12:18, ESV). Do your part, and leave the rest with God.
How Many Times?
Peter asked Jesus if forgiving seven times was enough. "Jesus said to him, 'I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times'" (Matthew 18:22, ESV). Jesus was not setting a higher number to count to. He was saying forgiveness has no limit. Sometimes that means forgiving the same hurt again each time it comes back to mind.
How to Forgive: Practical Steps
- Be honest about the hurt. Tell God exactly what happened and how it affected you. The Psalms are full of honest prayers.
- Remember how much you have been forgiven. Look at the cross. You are forgiving out of what you have received.
- Choose to release the debt. Pray something like: "Lord, they hurt me. I release them from what they owe me, and I trust You with justice."
- Hand vengeance to God. "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, 'Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord'" (Romans 12:19, ESV). God is a just judge.
- Pray for them. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matthew 5:44, ESV). Praying for someone softens your heart toward them over time.
- Decide what is wise. Talk with a pastor or trusted believer about boundaries and whether, and how, to reconcile.
- Keep choosing. When the hurt resurfaces, forgive again. Feelings often follow the decision slowly.
What If I Can't Forgive?
Some hurts are deep. Forgiveness can be a process, not a single moment. Ask God for help, because He gives what He asks of us. Talk to a pastor or a Christian counsellor. Be patient with yourself, and keep bringing it to Him. If you feel stuck in bitterness, that is a reason to keep praying, not a reason to give up.
Forgiveness on the Street
On outreach nights we often meet people carrying deep hurt: from family, from the street, sometimes from the church. Some have never heard that God forgives them. When people discover how much they have been forgiven, it often becomes possible to begin forgiving others. Forgiveness is part of the good news, not just a rule. See what repentance means and when someone is angry.
Common Questions
What does the Bible say about forgiveness? The Bible says to forgive others as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:13). Jesus taught His followers to forgive without limit (Matthew 18:22) and to pray for those who hurt them (Matthew 5:44).
Does forgiving someone mean I have to trust them again? No. Forgiveness releases the debt they owe you. Trust is rebuilt over time and may need boundaries. You can forgive someone and still keep yourself safe.
How do I forgive someone who is not sorry? You can forgive before God even when the other person does not apologise, by releasing the debt and handing justice to Him (Romans 12:19). Reconciliation takes two people, but forgiveness can begin with you.
What if I can't forgive? Forgiveness can be a process. Be honest with God about the hurt, ask Him for help, pray for the person, talk with a pastor or Christian counsellor, and keep choosing to forgive when the pain returns.
Forgiven people forgive. Start with the cross.
